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by Dr. Andrea Malkin Brenner | Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

As you’re anticipating your college student’s Thanksgiving visit, you might be picturing a return to the routines you shared with them just a few short months ago. However, your college student has changed and grown. It’s challenging but important for families to take the perspective of their student arriving home for Thanksgiving break. They have lived independently and are now re-entering their childhood world. With thought, care, empathy, and communication, you can make this visit—and future reunions under your roof—a great success.

“HOME FEELS DIFFERENT.”

Before your college student arrives for Thanksgiving break, prepare them for any changes in family dynamics and physical spaces that have taken place at home. Remember that both physical and emotional changes at home may cause challenges. Your student may very likely 

desire the comfort and safety of their childhood home, but also expect all the adult privileges they have had in college. Especially if your last visit was at drop off or Family Weekend on “their turf,” there may be an impression that home feels different than they remembered. Ask your college student what they are looking forward to and share with them how excited you are to have them home.

“I WANT TO SEE MY FRIENDS.”

One of the biggest complaints about Thanksgiving break from families is negotiating time with their student and their student’s hometown friends. It’s certainly important for your college students to connect with high school friends or a long-distance partner over their Thanksgiving break, but it’s also appropriate for families to set rules about how time will be spent during their homecoming. In advance of them arriving home, it’s a great idea to speak with your student about how they will split their time with friends and family, prepare them for potentially changing relationships with high school friends, and discuss your expectations for family commitments over the break.

“I NEED TIME TO SLEEP AND RELAX.”

Exhaustion in college is real. 60% of college students don’t get quality sleep, and Thanksgiving break is the perfect time for them to recoup before they head back for the last stretch of the semester. Unfortunately, this often doesn’t line up with what families have planned. Especially if they have a roommate and share a small space on campus, your student may crave alone time at home. Make sure you provide quiet and private time for them to sleep. Pick your battles by being realistic about their room cleanliness and organization. It’s also important to remember that a college student’s schoolwork doesn’t end during breaks. Ask in advance how much time they need to set aside for home work and try to avoid over-programming.

“DON’T JUDGE THE NEW ME!”

Many students report anxiety about interactions with their families during their first lengthy homecoming because of criticism and acceptance of their new identities and ways of thinking. Be aware that hot button issues for some families may arise during this first lengthy homecoming of the school year. Your student may announce a new relationship, a change in major or academic interest, or even an evolving identity or worldview. Your student may be worried about feeling misunderstood or alienated for new choices and identities. Show them you are curious about the adult they are becoming and what they are learning. Just remember that you are about to greet someone whose experiences, perceptions, and expectations have changed, and who has been working to build a new home at college.

“YOU’RE ASKING TOO MANY QUESTIONS!”

It’s natural for you and your extended family to be curious about what your student has been up to, especially if they haven’t been in regular communication. Your student may feel overwhelmed by a barrage of questions about their college experience including their major, grades, summer plans, and post-graduation dreams. Think about these questions through your college student’s lens. If they seem anxious about discussing things they are still unsure about, spend a bit of time brainstorming with them the ways they can reply. Remind them that language matters. Perhaps they respond to a question that they haven’t chosen a major YET rather than they don’t know what they are going to major in.

“I’M AN ADULT AT SCHOOL.”

Parenting an “adult” who has lived away from home can be challenging. They have 

been appropriately focused on their own needs and independence in college. Especially if your student has struggled with independence, it’s important to limit your caretaking during Thanksgiving break. Although you might want to over-indulge them, ask yourself if pampering them will set back their maturity. It’s also appropriate to share your expectations, such as car-sharing and chores. To avoid conflict, address your concerns and rules in advance. Perhaps discuss “non-negotiables,” such as the timing of meals and family obligations. For example, rethink “curfew” to include more realistic expectations of your young adult such as texting or calling. 

“I THINK DIFFERENTLY NOW.”

A successful college experience includes being exposed to worlds students never knew existed and trying out new ideas and behaviors. It’s important to remember that most colleges are demographically different from home communities (racial, religious, economic, geographic diversity, political leaning/ideology). As parents and families, we have no control over what ideas will resonate with our new college students, and reinventing the self is part of the transition to and evolution of a college student identity. College students have been asked to draw their own conclusions and challenge others. It can be jarring to see this different person in your home, but it’s also a sign that the college experience is everything it’s supposed to be: challenging and mind-expanding. This doesn’t give anyone a free pass out of respectful dialogue, but it’s worth remembering that when we send our loved ones out into the world to study, we have no control over what ideas will resonate with them.

It’s important to remember not to be hurt or insulted if your student verbalizes that they are excited to leave and get back to college. Instead, picture the freedom of their campus community of same-age peers. Finally, don’t forget the stress your student experienced through their college search, wondering which college would work for them. Their desire to return to campus is a reason to celebrate! Thanksgiving break is not only their homecoming but also their college “home”-leaving. When you acknowledge and work through this together, you’re laying the groundwork not only for a more joyous Thanksgiving break, but also for a new phase in your family-student relationship. 

Dr. Andrea Malkin Brenner is the creator of the Talking College™ card decks and co-author of How to College: What to Know Before You Go (and When You’re There). She brings 25 years of experience as a college professor and university administrator to her presentations with college audiences. See Dr. Brenner’s website for her articles, resources, podcast recordings, and upcoming talks and webinars.